Efil – Life backwards

Wouldn’t it be great if the whole circle of life was reversed? I mean, look at the way we live our lives – we have the best of times in our childhood and great times at the threshold of entering the world of adults. The remaining part of our dutiful lives is spent toiling at some place earning loads of money to buy expensive clothes and splurge in exotic foods and other such nefarious worldly pleasures but never as happy as when we were during the innocence of our younger days.

I read a comment of a comedian some time back and this inspired me to muse that all is not right with the way we age. In fact, it would be much more fraught with meaning and significance, not to mention enjoyable and gratifying, if only the whole circle of life was turned on its heels.

Here’s the right way to do it. You enter this lovely world as an octogenarian or a nonagenarian or if you have enough good karma from your previous births, you could even be a centurian. Straight into an old-age home. You can hardly walk, talk or involve in other such human interactions. At best you can successfully remove your dentures just before you go to sleep.

As the years move on, you begin to feel rejuvenated as your health improves dramatically. And when you’re all hale and healthy, you’re unceremoniously kicked out of the old-age home. It’s not yet time to celebrate, for with the newly found vigor and fitness is associated the despicable concept of earning one’s living. Now is the time for work and office and all that jazz. You’re around 60 by now.

At work slowly the responsibilities dwindle, which is an amazing concept in stark contrast to the existing norms. You begin to climb the ladder, downwards and there is no pressure on you to perform. Whatever you do, you’re going down.

Somewhere along the way, you meet a nice homely woman of your age and marry her. You may even have children… I mean adults.(Unfortunately, not all aspects of this brilliant plan have been worked out but I am sure that given the mysterious way the miracles of Nature work, stranger things have happened. For example, President Bush was reelected) Fifty is somewhere around the corner or perhaps you just passed it. The usual razzmatazz of midlife crisis hits you and you are seen philandering with older women.

See, now, when you leave for work daily, with that perfectly knotted tie and that charming blue shirt, you know that somewhere down the line you will be fired from the office for being too young to continue working. Which is awesome because that is like the worst thing that can happen. By then it’s time for college. You get to choose whichever college you want to go to because ultimately it really doesn’t matter what you learn at college anyway. So basically this means partying and sleeping. “Karmanyevaadi kaaryasthu maa phaleshu kadachane”. Your actions must not be done so as to expect the fruits in return. Yeah right. There are things which are said and there are things which are done. Proverbially we know which is easier.

College is a blast and before you know it, you hit 18! High school! Young love. Maths! Hmm, yeah. Young love! Its brilliant. You grow through the awkward phase of adolescence as you unmature from giggling hirsute masses of body odour into cute cuddly unsuspecting bundles of naivette and innocence. Absolutely no responsibilities. Which is the most you can ask for as you live the rest of your joyous life pampered by everyone around you.

The last 2 years would be quite a hoot albeit it is debatable whether you actually know what is going on by this time, having lost the ability to make meaningful conversation or even comprehend language. Sign language is the best forms of communication. 9 months remaining, you are given the comfort of a heated room with room service and a lot of attention. Many people have killed for much less.

Finally after all this fuss, you fade away. Not into nothingness. Nay, it would be far too demoralizing for someone to lead his whole life just to disintegrate into oblivion. And it would just be plain wrong. So finally, finally, you become the quintessential orgasm that should have started it all.

Amen.