Confused

There are just some days in our lives in which you feel you think you are in complete control. You know the purpose of your living or indeed the absence of it. Perhaps you think life is for the greater good of the greater number, as preached by Utilitarianism or quite conversely, you belong to an Egoistic school of thought and would rather dedicate your life to your own selfish needs. Fair. To each his own.

The other day I was talking with this Prof and he, although highly appreciative of my current inclination to take up a job, was trying to convince me to try for the Civil Services. But to me, from all the interaction I’ve had with people from this field, the Indian Administrative Services is a thankless job. I feel that you give in too much, without expecting anything in return. Altruistic. Perhaps, one day I would want to pursue such a career and in fact, I might even regret not considering it now. But, I mused that it would be far more grievous if I were to take up that physically and mentally stressful job on the mere assumption that somewhere down the line, perhaps even as inevitable consequences of a mid-life crisis, I would want to be such a person. Don’t misunderstand me, I truly appreciate people who want to dedicate their lives to such and perhaps even more trying and unappreciated ends. It’s just that I am not one of them. Not completely atleast. A friend once told me the exact same thing, with more colorful words, something like “Perhaps you want to take the best job now and pimp your way to the top. Granted. But will you be happy with yourself when you die, knowing well that you could have so much more?” Hate to admit it, but that made sense.

Profs seem to be in quite the philosophical moods these days. An email conversation with my guide some time back resulted in a brief exchange of views about the Indian educational system. I, on one hand, was trying to explain to him how in spite of knowing fully well that I would no longer remain in the realm of computer science, I was still keen to finish my project satisfactorily. Well, that’s what I tried to convince him. He, quite understandably, assumed I was rather disinterested in the whole process and sends me mails about the failing academic scene in India, which included, “You don't understand, Indian academia is all screwed up. With attitudes that we have, we will never do science as a nation. We will remain wannabes, for we seldom concentrate the key aspects of scientific research.” I was quite taken aback for I always stereotyped Profs as … well, Profs. That said my guide is quite the young enthusiastic rebel of a Prof. :P.

There was yet another incident but this one with an ostensibly absent-minded professor. People take him for granted and how! Courses are completed with just a presentation and sometimes even without that. And all because he appears unconcerned about all this. Well, my opinion of him changed when recently he made an impromptu speech to a small group of around 5 of us, which went something like “You guys think I am senile? Well, perhaps I am getting old but I still remember. What I find hard to digest is that this course for which you have come seeking your grade is a self-study course. True some of you have done some work, (looks at me) like I saw you quite often (hearing which I am visibly shocked that he even remembered I took his course) and (looks at another classmate) we had written discussions. So yes, some of you have done some work. But does it actually deserve a grade? All you guys, the products of this new generation of great minds from your prestigious milieus, you come to this institute and from the word go, you are complaining that the system is faulty. The exams are all misplaced in their purposes. The whole organization and the routines are defective and damaged beyond repair. But then, given a self study course in which you are completely free to decide what you want to read and what you want to learn and what you want to peruse and no form of examination to test what you have done; at best I was like a mentor to guide you in your efforts; what happens? You slack off and prove the aptness of the adage, a bad carpenter always blames his tools. I had hope for your batch, with so many students taking up the course I offered. But it seems I have erred. And perhaps with your juniors, I shall not repeat the mistake.” Holy Crap, here we were thinking it was just some miscommunication between him and the Ad Block (yeah sure) and we are treated to the harsh reality in the simple words of a man who has seemingly lost hope in his students. I felt sorry for this academician. But that was it. :|.

I don’t know if I can make sense from all of this. Perhaps some things are just there to serve no meaning. But maybe it was all this ranting or just some reflection on my part or both, but I decided that I would try to plan my immediate future, say for the next 4-5 years albeit them being sketchy plans. Plan something and stick to it. Decide! I really can’t see any correlation between all this ranting and my decision but somehow I felt there was something. Maybe they just made me think. Anyways, for now, I know my plans. :).

Philosophy is at once the most sublime and the most trivial of human pursuits.

Yup, now I am confused too…